Nachi's pointless rants and recollections

In a small section of the Bronx, there is a place called Little Italy.
In that place, there is a quaint Catholic School. In that school, there is a Kindergarten class led by a very strict teacher.
That teacher has her windows decorated with plants. One of those plants is a cactus plant and my son is terrified of it.

Not the actual culprit

How did this all came to be you say?
Well, I have a very sensitive child. He is also very visual.
He can't look at disturbing things without freaking out.
Chicken bones at the dinner table you say?
He'll freak out over them unless we throw them away or at least we cover them with a napkin.

Anyways, as we were walking to school today, he casually mentions the dreaded flower. He tells me he is very bothered by it and he can't just look away because he knows it's there.
I reassure him by telling him it will be alright, just ignore it.
When we got to school, the waterworks began. He started to get more and more anxious about the fact that he would have to sit next to that plant.
The conversation went something like this:

Luka: "Please, I'm too shy about that flower, can we go home?"
Me: "No bubba, you must go to school. Just turn around and ignore it."
Luka: "I can't! It looks at me, I know it!"
Me: "It doesn't have eyes baby, it can't look at you."
Luka: "I KNOW IT'S LOOKING AT ME!"

By then he was on full blown sobbing. The teacher by the door kept calling him over with a very gentle voice but I knew it wouldn't work.
I'm also not one of the parents that would leave a visibly upset child in school and just walk away. Sorry, can't do it, not happening.
The school closed it's door at 8:00 on the dot and Luka thought he was in the clear.
No such luck buddy!

We went over to the main entrance to get a tardy slip so he could make it to class.
Luka was still upset but I promised I would write a letter to his teacher right there and then to explain the situation.
I made the poor assistant scramble for some paper and pencil so I could write something before he was taken to class.
While I was writing I could see my son start to relax. The fact that I was actively doing something about it made him feel better.
By the time I was done, he was calm and he promised to try to relax in class.

I know this whole ordeal may seem silly to some.
I don't even know if his teacher will do anything about Luka's anxiety, I hope she does though.
What I do know is that my child has a very real fear of this plant and I couldn't just ignore it.
I just wonder if his anxiety and overall feeling of being uncomfortable is something I need to address or it's just new school jitters.

I'll keep you all updated.

Today, Saturday July 16th 2011 sitting here typing at 2.23 am., sadness came to me.
It is almost the end of our Peru trip and although I've missed Ronald terribly, I am getting all worked up about leaving my family.
In three days time we will be returning to the states and God only knows when we will be able to come back to Lima and visit family.
I can't say I had the best time in my life here, I spent most of my days at home, the first of them I had no internet access and it was driving me insane!
We didn't really go out, spend our time with my mom and my sisters which is fine, it's what we came for.

I'm oddly satisfied but at the same time mortified, not knowing when I will see these people again is extremely sad.

Well that's about it, nothing more to add to that.

:(

In exactly two days I will be boarding a plane that will take me and Luka to Peru.
For him is going to be this great new adventure where he will have a chance to meet the other half of his family.
For me is this bitter-sweet journey where I will reunite with my loved ones after an almost five year absence but at the same time I will be away from my beloved "yellow prince."

There comes a time in a person's life when the one you love becomes the one you cannot live without. You bond to such an extent that being apart for an X amount of times starts to physically hurt. Just the thought of being away from him for a month is causing me so much stress. I've been ignoring the feeling for a few weeks now but tonight I couldn't resist the need to cry and I started bawling my eyes out.
A feeling of desperation has filled me and I have serious doubts about going to Peru.
I know that this trip is good for both Luka and I. To some extent is also good for Ronald and I and our relationship. Taking time apart is actually really good. Still, I feel like half of me is being ripped apart, like if me going away symbolizes separation forever. I know this is not the case, but my heart doesn't understand that. All it understands is that I will not be with Ronald and that is enough to send it into panic mode.

Anyway, I needed to get this off my chest and try to calm down. Eventually I will cry some more, I'll probably do it on the airplane and the first week in Peru. As the days go by I'll feel better until I get to the point where I will be sad all over again but this time of leaving my mother and the rest of my family.
*sigh*
The heart wants what the heart wants, what can you do?

This is a path I've walked before and the way I see it, I can either avoid it or walk down it again with the knowledge I got from my previous voyage.
I'm not looking forward to it, there was too much sulking and tears the first time around.

*Sigh*
I don't know how to avoid it, I feel it coming and I make no efforts to stop it, I just can't.
I remember death, and separation. I remember poverty, and innocence being lost.
They are lurking in the back of my mind, they want to take center stage.
I very subtly push them back but eventually they're bound to come out.

I distract myself with everything I can. I dance, I write, I become an artistic goddess, but to no avail. I can't stop thinking of how miserable I'm starting to feel.
I feel sorry for myself, for the things I haven't had a chance of achieving. I feel like at 26 my life is over.
Maybe I'm dying?

Sometimes I feel like I am. I'm not sick no, I just feel like life is escaping me.

I don't know, I really don't know. I'm just sad.
I am very sad, and I know where this is heading.
I don't want to be sad, I am scared.

Yes, I cried. I'm still trying to figure out why.
Maybe it had something to do with Osama Bin Laden's death.
No, I'm not sorry he died, I'm not glad either, I just got sad for what his death represented; more death!

How do things change?
Is the war over then?
Was this just about closure?

When I found out he died I was very quickly taken back in time, back to 2001.
I was woken rather violently.
"Nachi! Look at the television, look!"
I managed to look at the TV and I saw it, my home, my city, my country getting hurt.
I couldn't believe it, I thought I was still dreaming, this could not be happening.
I won't try to take you down that path right now, we all know what I saw, but how I felt back then, the emptiness, the rage, the sorrow, it all came back to me.
So I cried.
I mourned the dead once more and I just couldn't help the tears from coming.
Because no matter how many more die, it's still not over, we are still losing our own people to a mindless war that I still can't comprehend.
Granted, I am not at all familiar why this is still going on, but war is war, and no matter how I look at it, it's still wrong.

Anyway, this man is now dead, shall we move on now? Are we safe now?
Ronald had a request for me today.
"Please don't ride the subway this week."
I hadn't thought of that, should I be worried?
Is the other side going to want to attack us now?

It never ends does it?