Nachi's pointless rants and recollections

I've been neglecting this blog I hate it. I had a goal to post as often as I could on my journey through motherhood and my life. Sadly, lately, it's been a struggle. Not because I didn't have time, or because I didn't have the motivation. It was because I just didn't have anything to say. Many tings have happened since I last posted. For one, I went to Peru again this year with my son, my little brother in law and his best friend. It was very hard for me at first, I got home-sick almost immediately. I dreaded being away from home, from my husband, and my high-speed internet. The days went by and all I did was sleep, eat, sleep some more, and go shopping for some necessities. I was sinking into a depressive state and I wasn't liking it. Something happened though around the second week, I got up from the bed one day and looked at my mother, I really looked at her and it hit me. This person gave me life, this person missed out on so much of my life, and here I was, for just a few weeks spending my time sleeping instead of giving her a little of that time. As much as it pained me, I decided to bring some of my walls down and let her in again. I started to bond with her. I knew it would bite me in the ass afterwards, because I had to leave her in a few weeks, and it would be heart-break all over again. But how could I deny her my love and attention? I couldn't. So we bonded, and we bonded some more. This trip, unlike the others before, was about finding myself within my family. I felt so out of touch with them that I made it a point to not care about it. I would endure seeing them for a few weeks every few years and then come back to my normal life. This time I changed things up, and it gave me great joy. It help me understand more things about myself and why I am the way I am. Saying goodbye was painful though. I broke down in the airport, broke down like only a little girl could when saying goodbye to her mother. I was nine years old all over again trying to understand why I needed to be apart from my mother. It was horrible! Alas, I left her, with tears in my eyes, but with a new feeling inside. I no longer just appreciated my mother, I felt the fire of love once again burning nice and strong. Fast forward a few weeks to today and I find myself back in school. I finally did it, I decided to go back to college. It was a long time coming and I'm glad I did. I have to tell you though, I was struggling. Getting back to after so many years of absence is hardcore. Top that with the fact that I got so sick I was hospitalized, didn't help. I got so behind on my homework (still am). But I'm not giving up, I am finishing this bitch and getting a degree when I'm done. So the point of this post is I guess, I'm finding myself again. Being close to family, doing things for myself instead of doing it for others, is helping me find Jeannette the individual. It's still a work in progress, I'm not me completely yet, but I'm getting there. It's scary though, I've been Luka's mom for so long, it's a like a security blanket. As long as I'm Luka's mom, I don't have to do anything for me, I'm always busy being a mom. But now that I'm doing things that are just for me, it's like getting back on the saddle after a nasty fall. What if I fall again? Well, I'm just gonna have to try again right?