Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I guess most of you have read Sophia's birth story and got to sort or experience what I went through giving birth to her. It hit me out of nowhere, that there is an untold story to this. My son Luka was there for most of it.
I made it my mission early on, to include my son in all aspects of my pregnancy. He came with me on many of my prenatal appointments, he was there for our first ultrasound and he was there rubbing my head whenever I was in pain. I wanted him to form a bond with his little sister very early on. Something that will carry throughout birth and the years to come. I happily report, that it worked. He adores his sister.
Well, regardless, that's not the point of this post. I was just in awe the other day when it finally hit me, my son was with me while I was in labor at home. He heard me moan, he heard me scream, he heard me cry and even though he felt bad for me, he held his composure really well. This is a four year old boy who could easily get scared but he was so brave and understanding for me. He knew full well I was in pain, but he also knew why I was having that pain and he welcomed it just as much as I did.
Never once did he show signs of distress. He didn't get too frustrated with my moans either.
He was just there, a presence, a rock, the perfect picture of composure, and I am so proud of him.
He welcomed birth as a natural thing.
I made it my mission early on, to include my son in all aspects of my pregnancy. He came with me on many of my prenatal appointments, he was there for our first ultrasound and he was there rubbing my head whenever I was in pain. I wanted him to form a bond with his little sister very early on. Something that will carry throughout birth and the years to come. I happily report, that it worked. He adores his sister.
Well, regardless, that's not the point of this post. I was just in awe the other day when it finally hit me, my son was with me while I was in labor at home. He heard me moan, he heard me scream, he heard me cry and even though he felt bad for me, he held his composure really well. This is a four year old boy who could easily get scared but he was so brave and understanding for me. He knew full well I was in pain, but he also knew why I was having that pain and he welcomed it just as much as I did.
Never once did he show signs of distress. He didn't get too frustrated with my moans either.
He was just there, a presence, a rock, the perfect picture of composure, and I am so proud of him.
He welcomed birth as a natural thing.
My two munchkins asleep
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Friday, June 28, 2013
When I was around 16 years old, my friend came out to me.
He sat me down on a park bench near my house, he said he wanted to tell me something but wasn't sure how I would react.I sat there, knowing exactly what he wanted to say. I knew what he was going to say, there was no question about it.
He told me he was gay.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to say it. I was one of his very good friends and the thought of losing me because of his sexual orientation must have frightened him.
I looked at him and said "and?"
He looked confused, and then told me that most people would judge.
I told him I wouldn't, the fact that he was gay didn't change the way I viewed him.
He was still as funny, charming, and crazy as he was 10 minutes ago before he uttered those words.
I also told him that I knew he was gay, but I never touched the subject because it's none of my business and it wouldn't matter anyways, he would still be my friend.
I don't know how I came to the realization that gay people are just people. I know there is a lot of prejudice from others and I don't understand it. All I know is that since I can remember, gay, straight, bi or whatever other orientation people associate with, does not change the person. People are people, period.
I think some of it stems from my bible studies. No, I'm not religious at all, but I love to read, and the bible is a book you know?
To me, the bible is a wonderful book filled with stories and lessons. There are tons of things people don't agree with with, but as with any book, you don't have to like everything it says. It's what you take from it that matters.
I was always fascinated by Genesis, it was wonderful to read how everything began from a religious point of ivew. It never ceases to amaze me. I was also intrigued by Revelations. It scared the crap out of me but I couldn't stop reading!
One of my favorite passages though, comes from the book of Corinthians. When I first read it, I couldn't believe I was reading the bible.
Let me show you what I mean:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Love is love people. It doesn't matter what sex you are. Just because a man may love another man, does not make their love less than mine for my husband. Their love is genuine, their love is pure and everyone understands love. At one time or another we have felt it, and you know that love is something we can't control. Love is an unstoppable force with its own mind. It takes us places so high up that you forget you're even human. How can we judge it? We cannot!
I'm not gay, but I am a firm supporter of the LGBT community. Whenever someone brings up the subject (ahem, family...) of gay being wrong, I always try to educate them on the subject. You don't have to like it, but you do have to respect it. Plain and simple.
Any who, enough with my ramblings, love thy neighbor and all that jazz.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I'm a very open minded person, or at least I try to be.
There are certain things in the world that I don't understand. For example, violence towards people such as school shootings and horrible beatings because someone was angry at the world.
There are three things though that I very much understand and support 100%.
The first one, and this should not come as a surprise, is breastfeeding.
The second one is attachment parenting (look it up)
The third one is human rights.
Now, a part of being a human being comes with the advantage of having rights. One of those rights is to be able to love whomever you chose regardless of sex. To me, love is love and love knows nothing about sexual orientation.
Bare with me here, I know this is a lot of background info but there is a point to it.
I was reading about a guy who came out to his mother a few years back and told her he was gay. In his story he tells us that his mother cried in her bed saying she didn't want her son to be gay. A few years later it was established that the mother finally accepted his son for being gay and all was good in the world.
I mean, yay for the mom but it left me with the obvious "What if" question.
What if Luka came to me one day and told me he was gay? Would I cry, would I yell, would I disown him and kick him out?
Of course not hahaha!
He is my son. No matter who he chooses to like or love he will always be my son.
I carried this person in my womb, I gave birth to him, I breastfed him and I raised him to be the lovely little boy he is today. I hope one day he will become a kind, gentle soul who cares for other human beings. I hope that he will grow up with compassion and respect for all living things in this earth. I hope he becomes a man who can be proud of himself and proud of his parents for helping him become that man.
His sexual orientation has nothing to do with the kind of person who I hope he becomes. It will never change the love I have for him. It will never make me feel less proud or ashamed of him in the least.
So if my son ever comes to me telling me he is gay, I shall give him a big hug and say "that's great, so what's his name?"
I will not cry in pain and question myself on what I did wrong, because I will know that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with my parenting. It's just what his heart wants and we all know that the heart wants what the heart wants.
I know a lot of people won't agree with me and will probably tell me that I won't know what my reaction will be if that ever happens. But I know now, I know with all my soul that the love I feel for my son will never falter one bit.
He is my son and I love him.
I will always love him, gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual and any other -sexual
There are certain things in the world that I don't understand. For example, violence towards people such as school shootings and horrible beatings because someone was angry at the world.
There are three things though that I very much understand and support 100%.
The first one, and this should not come as a surprise, is breastfeeding.
The second one is attachment parenting (look it up)
The third one is human rights.
Now, a part of being a human being comes with the advantage of having rights. One of those rights is to be able to love whomever you chose regardless of sex. To me, love is love and love knows nothing about sexual orientation.
Bare with me here, I know this is a lot of background info but there is a point to it.
I was reading about a guy who came out to his mother a few years back and told her he was gay. In his story he tells us that his mother cried in her bed saying she didn't want her son to be gay. A few years later it was established that the mother finally accepted his son for being gay and all was good in the world.
I mean, yay for the mom but it left me with the obvious "What if" question.
What if Luka came to me one day and told me he was gay? Would I cry, would I yell, would I disown him and kick him out?
Of course not hahaha!
He is my son. No matter who he chooses to like or love he will always be my son.
I carried this person in my womb, I gave birth to him, I breastfed him and I raised him to be the lovely little boy he is today. I hope one day he will become a kind, gentle soul who cares for other human beings. I hope that he will grow up with compassion and respect for all living things in this earth. I hope he becomes a man who can be proud of himself and proud of his parents for helping him become that man.
His sexual orientation has nothing to do with the kind of person who I hope he becomes. It will never change the love I have for him. It will never make me feel less proud or ashamed of him in the least.
So if my son ever comes to me telling me he is gay, I shall give him a big hug and say "that's great, so what's his name?"
I will not cry in pain and question myself on what I did wrong, because I will know that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with my parenting. It's just what his heart wants and we all know that the heart wants what the heart wants.
I know a lot of people won't agree with me and will probably tell me that I won't know what my reaction will be if that ever happens. But I know now, I know with all my soul that the love I feel for my son will never falter one bit.
He is my son and I love him.
I will always love him, gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual and any other -sexual
Monday, January 16, 2012
I've always wondered what went through my parents mind when they found out I was coming to the world.
I know my mother must have been scared to death, I know my father must have been even more scared given his situation.
That's not what I mean of course, I mean, where they actually aware of the responsibility a baby meant? Maybe my father did somewhat since he already had one child and another on the way. Even though it was my step-mother raising his children, my father must have had some sort of advantage over my mother where parenting is concerned.
So that brings me back to her, my mother, not even 18 years old yet, harboring new life in her belly. I wonder if it ever occurred t her that every decision from the moment she found out I existed, would my life in ways nobody could have imagined.
I can't blame my mother for her bad decisions, not after becoming a parent myself of course.
We are thrown into this role so rapidly, no amount of reading and preparing will actually make you ready for every single problem that may arise during raising a child. It's just no possible. So I imagine her, young, beautiful, full of life, her future intact, now having to care for a baby, on her own too. She had my grand-parents of course and after the initial shock I'm sure they offered to help her out. But the question in my mind is, where is my father?
I grew up without him, he had his own life and I was raised by my mother who for the most part worked 24/7 it seems.
I know that she did what she thought best at the time. In order to give me everything she could and more, she worked non-stop, she traveled looking for better opportunities, she had me placed with different relatives each school year who knows why. My childhood was spent moving, one year I was with an aunt, the other I was with a cousin. Little by little, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to her, my mother was slipping away from me. I had my grand-parents though. They were my center, my rock, my sense of home. My grand-father died when I was six, my grand-mother died when I was 19.
I felt like an orphan for a while. I had my father and my step-mother and my brothers and my sister, but I never felt like I fit in completely. I know they loved me, but I felt like I was extension to their family mechanics.
I had my mother in Peru too, but she had her partner and two other daughters. They too had formed something I felt alien to. So who did I have left?
Nobody.
So this brings me back to the whole reason of this blog post, were my parents really aware of the damage they were causing? Were they really trying to give me a better future by bouncing me back and forth to better things? Would it have been better to just keep me in one place and enjoy my life as much as I could as a normal child?
I struggle with these issues a lot, almost most of the time I feel like I'm trapped, like I need to move to another place to feel free again.
I have insane trust issues, I have bitterness in my heart, for those who toyed with my life without stopping to think of how it would affect me. I wish with the strongest of devotions that I would have been given a chance to just live a normal, non-disruptive life as a child. To let me go to school in a familiar place, to come home to my grand-mother's food, to go to sleep in my bed where my grand-father built a closet that I claimed as a my secret hiding place.
Above all, I wish they would have understood that keeping me with the people I loved the most, was even more important than having "a better future."
I've learned from them though, I've learned from their mistakes. I've decided a long time ago that separating my child from me is only something I would consider as a last resort. Even then, I would have to be close to death for me to let him go. Because for me, family, unity, love, is more important than having more money, a better education, or a bigger place to live.
Again, I don't blame them, it can't be easy for my mother knowing that our relationship is flawed. That even though she gave birth to me, I will never see her as my mother, she's just a person I love dearly, but not my mother. It can't be easy for my father either, knowing I was his first daughter but was never there for me, that I grew up missing him first, hating him later, and forgiving him in the end. Still, in my heart, he is not my father.
I don't pity them either, they made their decisions and made their life the way they knew how. I on the other hand struggled and tried to survive. I fought against my own demons, betrayal, abandonment, sorrow, and depression. At six years old I already knew what all of these things meant, but nobody bothered to think twice about it. I was just a child who could never understand, but I was already broken. I've carried that with me until now, I cant' shake it off. I will always be broken, flawed, but I have hope.
Life has given me a chance to re-write everything. It has given me an opportunity to be happy, to love, to be loved in return. To have people who will not abandon me. I have the chance to tech this to my child and to my future children. Love is more important than anything.
When someone like me looks back at their life, they will not remember how much or little amount of food they had in the table, or how many different outfits they had to last them the week. They'll remember the people that loved them, the ones who cared for them when they were sick, the ones that comforted them at night when they had a nightmare.
They'll remember the love above everything else.
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