Nachi's pointless rants and recollections

Plain and simple, my freaking butt hurts. Every time I try to explain to someone why I groan when I get up from a chair or why I suddenly stop dead in my tracks when I'm trying to sit back down, I find it hard to explain that the excruciating pain I'm feeling is coming from my ass.

I try to gently explain the wonderful phenomenon that is Posterior Pelvic Pain but once I utter those words, people look at me like I'm crazy. Plain and simple people, my ass hurts like a motherfudger!

Why does my butt hurt? Well, let's see, since I got pregnant, my body no longer belongs to me. I have this little devil child growing inside me. He/she took residence in my womb and decided to mess with the delicate balance of my hormones. It made me puke, it made me moody, and it turned me into a pregzilla. Not only that, but this little devil child has the audacity to stretch so long that it pushes my bones around. He/she kicks and turns while I'm trying to sleep and makes my belly jump!
To top it all off, one of those lovely hormones my body is secreting has the wonderful job of stretching out my bones. Yes, you heard it, my bones are being stretched out and my joints are like jelly, hence the pain. Where? In my butt of course.

Lol.
No, I'm not mad at my baby, I just found it funny that I was trying so hard to very modestly explain my butt pain to people. Now I'm just going to say that my butt hurts.

Super long blog post. Beware!

The first time I got pregnant, everything was new. I did so much research, I started to feel like a pregnancy resource database. I had so many question, so many concerns, I'm sure I drove my husband crazy with it all.
In the end though, everything turned out good. All of my research paid off. All the knowledge eased my mind and I had a nice, healthy pregnancy and birth.

This time around things feel different. My pregnancy seems to be going well and overall both baby and I are healthy. The difference is, that this time I feel more confident in my body to do what needs to be done to carry this baby without any type of intervention.

I should explain more.
A few years ago, I decided that if and when I got pregnant again, I wanted things to be slightly different.
If possible, I wanted a home birth. I didn't want any type of medication including labor inducing ones.
Don't get me wrong, the clinic I went to never forced me to do anything I didn't want.
They waited for pap smears or exams if I wasn't comfortable with them. They listened to me and my concerns as well.
Sadly, at the hospital where I gave birth doesn't exactly have the same policies.
Even though my birthing experience was beautiful, there are things that I would have done differently.
When you're in intense pain sometimes your judgement gets clouded. You just want labor to be over and you just want to push that baby out ASAP.
After the fact, I feel like I would have omitted certain things and this time around I will be more adamant about what my labor experience should be like.

So what am I trying to get at?
Well, I'm refusing tests and exams that I don't feel like are necessary.
For example, on my first actual visit with my Dr., I refused a pelvic exam and a pap smear because I felt it was too early in my pregnancy.
Yes, I'm sure they are safe during pregnancy, but when you get either of those sometimes there is bleeding.
Now, if you combine bleeding with the fact that my pregnancy is still very early, it just adds stress.
I'm more concerned with what stress will do to my body than what the actual tests are going to do for me.

Another example would be ultrasounds.
Because my clinic is so small, ultrasounds are done at the different facility.
Even though they are the same health company, the techs at the other location are horrible.
They are cold, entitled and sometimes rude.
I'm not saying that all of them are, but the times I've been there, I've felt like I was just a job to them and my feelings didn't matter.
Now, I don't care what profession you are in, if you work with people, you should be able to at least pretend to be nice to them.
I had a scheduled ultrasound for a day where I didn't have anyone to watch my son.
Now, the ultrasound place does not allow children under the age of 5 unless they are accompanied by another adult.
I called the ultrasound place and asked if they could give me a day when my husband was able to come with us and watch my son. I was granted the request and we went to our appointment.
We waited for an hour before we were called. When they called us, the tech asked us the age of my son.
I told her that he was 3 and she refused to let him in. I explained that I had brought my husband with us so he could watch him while the ultrasound was being done. She refused and told us they could wait in the waiting room. By then I was already pissed. Waiting for an hour had already made my mood sour, not to mention, my son was getting tired too. I told her that I would not have the ultrasound done and she suggested I re-schedule. I told her that wasn't possible since my husband wouldn't have a day off for a while and she kept pushing for me to have the ultrasound done without them.
I refused again and told them I would just go home and later figured it out.
She then informed me that no other ultrasound place within their network would allow my son to be in the room.
That pushed me over the edge. I told her it was fine and that I wouldn't have an ultrasound done.

Now, before you start judging me, I should say that I had already thought about not having any ultrasounds done. I only agreed to this one because I wanted to share the moment with my family. Since it was not possible, it just made my decision to not have any at all much simpler.
I got home later that day and started doing some research on people refusing ultrasounds.
Some people cited websites of research that have been done regarding the risk of unnecessary ultrasounds.
Others thought it was crazy to forgo them.
I mean, why would you NOT want to have them right?
Well, this might sound crazy but I don't feel like I need them.
Sure I would like to have one eventually, maybe right before the baby is born?
I don't know, but I don't feel like I need one.

The ultrasound I refused was to confirm viability and to confirm due date.
First of all, I am 100% of my menstrual dates because I have been recording them for two years now.
Second of all, now that I am 19 weeks pregnant, I know for sure my baby is viable.
At 14 weeks, which is when my ultrasound was to be done, it's too early to do anything about a miscarriage. So if my baby wasn't viable, nature would take its course and that would be the last of that.

Now, the second ultrasound which is usually done around 20 weeks is an anatomy scan. Basically, they measure the size of baby and whatnot. Again, I fail to see how that is going to help me. My baby isn't technically a baby until 24 weeks. If and when something happened to me before 24 weeks and I went into labor, they wouldn't try to save the baby anyhow because in medical terms "it isn't viable yet."
I also never understood why measurements mattered so much at this time. Babies grow at different intervals. My baby in womb maybe a little small right now, but who is to say that he/she will not get bigger by the end of it?
I'm also against any genetic tests. My decision to keep my baby would not change if they found out I had markers for down syndrome or anything like that. So those types of tests would be irrelevant in my case, it would only cause me stress and again, we all know how I feel about that.

I'm rambling now, but you get the point. I just don't want all of this done to me. If I could afford it, I would just pay a midwife to come to my house for my regular check-ups and just give birth in the bathtub.
I'm not kidding, I rather just do it at home without the medical interventions.
Ronald doesn't agree.
He much rather drag me to a hospital when the time comes and tie me to the bed until that baby is born.
Of course he would never do that, he respects my decisions and as much as it bothers him, he will never try to persuade me from what I feel is right.

I have an appointment for the 17th and yes, I will be going to that.
I might refuse the pap and the pelvic exam once again.
With my first pregnancy, I refused it until my very last appointment and my doctor was fine with that.
I'm a healthy person who doesn't smoke, I used to drink casually at home with dinner every once in a while. I have never done drugs. I have never contracted an STD and neither has my husband.
I did allow them to do an HIV test because sex is not the only way to get it and it's nice to be sure.
But again, there is no medical reason for me to allow anything else if there are no indications I may be sick.

So yes, I guess I am a little crazy for just trusting in myself and my ability to do this without all the medical hoo-ha that is usually involved.
But I trust myself and my intuition and I know that if anything feels wrong, I will promptly seek medical help without delay.

You know that saying that goes, "Be careful what you wish for?"

Well right now I feel like I might be getting what I wished for, but at a costly price.

When I was pregnant with Luka, I wished so hard he was a girl. Alas, the universe wanted to give me a little boy instead of a girl and I accepted it with grace.
He is the love of my life and even though he has dangly bits instead of organs tucked in, I think he is pure perfection.
Way before we had any kids though, I talked to Ronald about wanting to have four children. The first two could be biological, the last two could be adopted later on in life.
When Luka was born, I was in such a state of "high" that I screamed to the heavens I would have another as soon as I could.
Now that I am pregnant, I'm really regretting being that confident about carrying another child.

Yes, I am pregnant again and I have no idea why I decided to put myself through such torture.
Let me backtrack a little and give you some info on what I mean.
When I was pregnant with Luka, I had the regular morning sickness. I felt a bit nauseous, I threw up a few times but it was nothing too bad. My second trimester was pure joy, I started to sport a beautiful bump, morning sickness was all but gone and it was just beautiful to be pregnant. The third trimester was very tiring, and that last month seemed to drag on forever, but still, I was very happy.

Currently, I am 12 weeks pregnant and I feel like shit!
Yes, I said it, I feel like SHIT!
I've gotten very acquainted with my toilet bowl. I can tell you the exact shade of porcelain white it is, I can point exactly how many millimeters from hinge to hinge is the length of the top of the cover. I can tell you how many seconds it takes for the tank to fill up after I have flushed it. I can also tell you that we've been running out of toilet paper faster than when Luka was being potty trained.
Before the morning sickness, Luka got really worried when I darted to the bathroom. He would sit outside of the door waiting for me to finish, promptly after he would knock, come in and rub my head until I could finally speak.
I've made so many "darting trips" lately that he no longer cares. I could be crawling, bumping my way into the bathroom, probably knocking a few things down, and he doesn't even care anymore.
I can't blame him though, I've been making my special trips 4-5 times a day on average.

When I tell this to my friends and co-workers they tell me, "Oh, it must me a girl!"
I then think to myself, FML!
If this is what it takes to have a girl, then someone kick me in the head for wishing for a girl in the first place!
Now, now, don't get touchy just yet. I know I have nobody to blame but myself (and Ronald.)
I am really happy that I will be having another little one, but right now I enforce my right to be pissed.
Yes, I am pissed!
There are times I want to kick my husband right in the groin for getting me pregnant. (haha, it's not like he forced me into it.)
He has learned to stay away from me most of the time, but I know he is suffering in his own way too.
Of course he is not suffering as much as me and sometimes I wish he could go through what I'm going through, but I know he is in his own kind of hell right now which makes me feel a bit better.

Any who!
This blog is supposed to be about my feelings, so there they are, I am pissed, I am tired, I am mentally and physically exhausted and I am just waiting for all of this nastiness to go away so I can finally enjoy this pregnancy.

Now, my advice to all of you ladies out there right now, especially the younger ones (I am looking at you naughty teenagers who think they know better) is:
DO NOT GET PREGNANT, IT'S A TRAP!

It was positive. The test was positive.
How could this be? I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, well to be honest, I wasn’t trying to prevent it either but how was it possible? I don’t want to be a mother yet. I don’t know what to do.
I had all the symptoms, I was nauseous, I got dizzy, I had mood swings, but I thought it was because I was stress from going to school part-time, working part-time and taking another seasonal job for the holidays.
I opened the bathroom door and when I got out my boyfriend was waiting for me.
“So?” he asked. “What did it say?”
“Positive…” I said.
Don’t get us wrong, having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, it is a blessing, but it wasn’t our first time. You see, I was pregnant before. One year prior I did get pregnant and we were happy. We were no where ready to have a baby but we were happy. As soon as we found out, we told everyone. My mom didn’t react very well, not sure why though. My boyfriend’s parents were nonchalant about it.
We didn’t care though, it was as if nothing bothered us, we were going to be parents.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Our baby was never born, I had a miscarriage.
The pain I endured was so big, it was the biggest loss of my entire life. I’ve never felt such emptiness like the one I felt when I lost my baby. So we vowed to not have kids for a while. I honestly hoped to never get pregnant again for fear of losing it again.
So you must understand, this time around it was different, I was frightened. I didn’t want to feel like that again, I didn’t want to hurt again, I didn’t want to see the suffering in my boyfriend’s eyes.
We hugged, he whispered “I love you, everything is going to be fine.” I believed him.

We decided not to go to the doctor yet. I figured that if I were to lose this baby too, then there was nothing I could do to stop it and I did not want to deal with doctors if it did. Yes I know that was a bit stupid of me but choosing when to see the doctor was something I could control and at that point I needed to feel in control.
Three months we kept it a secret, three long months we bit our tongues every time we wanted to share our news. It was scary though, I would check myself everyday with fear of finding signs that I was going to lose the baby. It got to the point where I would cry just thinking about it. I decided to relax though, I took each day one at a time and at the end of that day I would thank God baby and I were ok.
Finally! We made an appointment with the doctor. We went in and met this sweet lady. She was funny, caring, and nice. What a joy right? No! I didn’t want a friend, I wanted a doctor!
Anyway, she told us everything was fine, my hormone levels were fine and I had no illnesses. That’s all I needed to hear.
Needless to say, the pregnancy went fine or else I wouldn’t be here writing this happy story.
I have a beautiful baby boy who is the joy of my life. I look back to the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant and how scared I was. I understand now that things happen for a reason, maybe I was meant to lose my first baby no matter how painful that was just so that I could have this beautiful baby this time around. I can never know exactly how things work, I just let them be and thank God and life for blessing me with what I have.
As human beings that is all we can do.