Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It was positive. The test was positive.
How could this be? I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, well to be honest, I wasn’t trying to prevent it either but how was it possible? I don’t want to be a mother yet. I don’t know what to do.
I had all the symptoms, I was nauseous, I got dizzy, I had mood swings, but I thought it was because I was stress from going to school part-time, working part-time and taking another seasonal job for the holidays.
I opened the bathroom door and when I got out my boyfriend was waiting for me.
“So?” he asked. “What did it say?”
“Positive…” I said.
Don’t get us wrong, having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, it is a blessing, but it wasn’t our first time. You see, I was pregnant before. One year prior I did get pregnant and we were happy. We were no where ready to have a baby but we were happy. As soon as we found out, we told everyone. My mom didn’t react very well, not sure why though. My boyfriend’s parents were nonchalant about it.
We didn’t care though, it was as if nothing bothered us, we were going to be parents.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Our baby was never born, I had a miscarriage.
The pain I endured was so big, it was the biggest loss of my entire life. I’ve never felt such emptiness like the one I felt when I lost my baby. So we vowed to not have kids for a while. I honestly hoped to never get pregnant again for fear of losing it again.
So you must understand, this time around it was different, I was frightened. I didn’t want to feel like that again, I didn’t want to hurt again, I didn’t want to see the suffering in my boyfriend’s eyes.
We hugged, he whispered “I love you, everything is going to be fine.” I believed him.
We decided not to go to the doctor yet. I figured that if I were to lose this baby too, then there was nothing I could do to stop it and I did not want to deal with doctors if it did. Yes I know that was a bit stupid of me but choosing when to see the doctor was something I could control and at that point I needed to feel in control.
Three months we kept it a secret, three long months we bit our tongues every time we wanted to share our news. It was scary though, I would check myself everyday with fear of finding signs that I was going to lose the baby. It got to the point where I would cry just thinking about it. I decided to relax though, I took each day one at a time and at the end of that day I would thank God baby and I were ok.
Finally! We made an appointment with the doctor. We went in and met this sweet lady. She was funny, caring, and nice. What a joy right? No! I didn’t want a friend, I wanted a doctor!
Anyway, she told us everything was fine, my hormone levels were fine and I had no illnesses. That’s all I needed to hear.
Needless to say, the pregnancy went fine or else I wouldn’t be here writing this happy story.
I have a beautiful baby boy who is the joy of my life. I look back to the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant and how scared I was. I understand now that things happen for a reason, maybe I was meant to lose my first baby no matter how painful that was just so that I could have this beautiful baby this time around. I can never know exactly how things work, I just let them be and thank God and life for blessing me with what I have.
As human beings that is all we can do.
How could this be? I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, well to be honest, I wasn’t trying to prevent it either but how was it possible? I don’t want to be a mother yet. I don’t know what to do.
I had all the symptoms, I was nauseous, I got dizzy, I had mood swings, but I thought it was because I was stress from going to school part-time, working part-time and taking another seasonal job for the holidays.
I opened the bathroom door and when I got out my boyfriend was waiting for me.
“So?” he asked. “What did it say?”
“Positive…” I said.
Don’t get us wrong, having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, it is a blessing, but it wasn’t our first time. You see, I was pregnant before. One year prior I did get pregnant and we were happy. We were no where ready to have a baby but we were happy. As soon as we found out, we told everyone. My mom didn’t react very well, not sure why though. My boyfriend’s parents were nonchalant about it.
We didn’t care though, it was as if nothing bothered us, we were going to be parents.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Our baby was never born, I had a miscarriage.
The pain I endured was so big, it was the biggest loss of my entire life. I’ve never felt such emptiness like the one I felt when I lost my baby. So we vowed to not have kids for a while. I honestly hoped to never get pregnant again for fear of losing it again.
So you must understand, this time around it was different, I was frightened. I didn’t want to feel like that again, I didn’t want to hurt again, I didn’t want to see the suffering in my boyfriend’s eyes.
We hugged, he whispered “I love you, everything is going to be fine.” I believed him.
We decided not to go to the doctor yet. I figured that if I were to lose this baby too, then there was nothing I could do to stop it and I did not want to deal with doctors if it did. Yes I know that was a bit stupid of me but choosing when to see the doctor was something I could control and at that point I needed to feel in control.
Three months we kept it a secret, three long months we bit our tongues every time we wanted to share our news. It was scary though, I would check myself everyday with fear of finding signs that I was going to lose the baby. It got to the point where I would cry just thinking about it. I decided to relax though, I took each day one at a time and at the end of that day I would thank God baby and I were ok.
Finally! We made an appointment with the doctor. We went in and met this sweet lady. She was funny, caring, and nice. What a joy right? No! I didn’t want a friend, I wanted a doctor!
Anyway, she told us everything was fine, my hormone levels were fine and I had no illnesses. That’s all I needed to hear.
Needless to say, the pregnancy went fine or else I wouldn’t be here writing this happy story.
I have a beautiful baby boy who is the joy of my life. I look back to the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant and how scared I was. I understand now that things happen for a reason, maybe I was meant to lose my first baby no matter how painful that was just so that I could have this beautiful baby this time around. I can never know exactly how things work, I just let them be and thank God and life for blessing me with what I have.
As human beings that is all we can do.
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